Mother's guilt, not a new word but most probably, you won't find the meaning of this word in the dictionary. But it exists and very much in real. It's a feeling of guilt, doubt, anxiousness, or uncertainty experienced by mothers, when they are failing or falling short of expectations in some ways.
Almost, every mother would have been overwhelmed by this feeling, either all the time or sometime during their motherhood but maybe more by career oriented women (personal observation) and the matter of discussion in this column.
I find myself a career-driven individual having an experience of 10 years. I like to take intellectual challenges, use and experiment with my knowledge and experience and then push my limits to excel, professionally and personally. Above all, I hate stagnancy and so always look for a change, which I get it from my professional work. Having these traits, I was always judged and looked upon with a doubt of becoming a good or great mom, in my circle.
Here only comes the mother's guilt, basically a feeling created by other's expectation but the pain is not felt by the creators but the mothers, if failing to meet other's expectations.
But before discussing anything more, let us first discuss about the role played and aspirations of a career oriented women: great mom and great career.
Great career
Now coming to great career, so what a "great career" means. If one thinks a great career to be busy 24/7 with your professional works then may be it is difficult to sustain that and also have a great family life or say a great life.
But if we re-frame that "great career" as one where you make an impact, do work that matters and focus on results, that may be achievable while having a personal life too. This can be done by ourselves getting answers to the following questions:-
Can we put some boundaries around our work?
Can we and how do we finish our work, while leaving the office at a reasonable time, exempting, exceptional one or two days?
Can we focus on the works which really matters, allowing some marginal and petty things to be overlooked?
Great mom
In old times "great mom" was not any term and has come up now only. Earlier in the older generations, when the mother had many children, she was not bothered, the 8th kid is having runny nose or the 4th one is fond of eating mud. She was only bothered about how to feed them.
By all means, if the stomach of the kids was full, she was more than happy.
In today's era, parents have started believing in "helicopter parenting" in which, we, specially the mothers are expected to engage in parenting, round the clock. However, there is no proof that, this kind of extreme parental activity has improved children outcomes in their journey. When, there is no significant difference in the outcomes, anybody can become a great mom, with just a slight difference in our perspectives. So now, we need to find the answer for the following questions:-
Do we need to be there with our children, all the time or can we select and give our presence to those important moments and activities, required to expand their minds and yours and those which creates rich and warm memories for them and the family?
Do we need to sign up our kids to all the extra curricular activities and create an unnecessary pressure on kids and us as well, or can we just sign up for those for, in which our kids are really interested?
Kids are just like water, even if we don't give them a shaper/mold, they will take their own shape, only required thing is, we need to see, they are not flowing in the wrong direction.
As we discussed, some of the questions above, let's try to find the answers. These, answers may not be right to all, but believe me, its something like, grasping at straws.
Being a career-driven mom with an experience of more than five years as mom, I would like to share the experience and the points, I started working, to make this roller-coaster ride laden with guilt anxiety, love, fear and many more such emotions, a little better ride:-
Conscious choices
I feel, we need to make a conscious choice and behave as per the priorities. Since, it's quite difficult to provide a hundred percent to both the kids & family or the work at your office at the same time, we need to prioritize and make conscious choices. Let's understand this with an example like, if my family is in great need of me, I would attend them first and keep a loser end at my work place and vice versa. But of course, the choice has to be made by me and not by others, otherwise there is no end to the other's expectations.
Choose your moments
We need to choose our moments, and give it a hundred percent surety, otherwise, no need to choose that specific moment. For example, if I had to choose my presence between my kid's sports day or a routine PTM. I would choose, the sports day as my kid needs, my support and encouragement on that day and I would attend it for sure but few of the routine PTMs may go without an attendance. Of course, this is my personal choice, you can choose yours.
Promises to be made, which can be kept
Personally, I take promises very seriously and if I make it, I keep it, whether, the said person is an adult or a kid. And when it comes to kids, I think we should be extra-careful as they follow us. Through our deeds, we are carving their personality and how they will behave in future.
Other way of doing this, make only those promises, which we can keep. This makes them genuinely happy as broken promises shakes them too, my friend. This is what me and my husband has observed in our 6 plus years of parenting.
Share the responsibility with partner
As mother, we generally feel, we have got the greater responsibility to take care of the kids, as we have been fed by our society from our childhood. But, I don't think, we need to shy away to take our partner's help in parenting in some crisis times.
Most of the time, specially in our society, we have seen, the dads are also contributing in the parenting jobs, but still, many of them refrain from doing small and shitty jobs like diaper change, giving bath, getting them ready for school etc. But, there is no harm in asking them to do these jobs too, on some exceptional days, when you are stuck in some crisis at your work. And the dads, instead of cribbing, please co-operate as you also need to get a tag of great dad in the changing era.
Need of understanding-parent preferences are not the kids needs
We, generally, get consumed by the idea of comparison like how other kids are dressed in the park and how my child is dressed; how other kids are going for karate classes but I am not able to send mine due to mismatch of our office timings and classes timings; how other parents are celebrating their kids birthdays and how am I doing. But, what we forget is, this is what we think, but do our children even need it. We want to make them well dressed with all the minute perfections like white shoes must go only with white socks but does it affect our child, if my child is not attending karate classes, they can attend it next year or need not to attend as they might be interested in something else, as he comes to his senses. So, all in all, what I want to say is, there is no need to worry about such small things and fuel our sense of guilt, till the time, this is being noticed by our kids themselves.
Hide the guilt from the children
Above everything, if at all, we get this guilt feeling sometimes, like when they get slightly sick and you have a very important training to attend, here your rational mind says, "it's okay if they stay with his dad, who has a not so important day and can work from home", while your irrational heart says, "you need to be with your kid for that extra warmth and love" and finally you go with your rational mind. In those obvious days, even if we go through that overwhelming feeling, I think we should not show it to our kids. As the kids, sense this, they start taking advantage in the future and this may create troubles in your future rational decisions.
And last but not least, if nothing works, always go what you feel to be right for you and family as nobody knows you, your kid and your family better than you. At the end, if we smile, our family smiles!!!
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